Being Alive
by callmeonetrack
Summary: Lee needed to be alive. She needed to show him how to be alive.


Title: Being Alive  
Rating: PG-13  
Characters: Kara/Lee, Dee if you don't blink  
Category: Romance, Angst, Humor  
Disclaimer: Ron D. Moore owns it all.  
Spoilers: Everything up to 2.12 "Resurrection Ship, Pt. 2"  
Summary: Lee needed to be alive. She needed to show him how to be alive.

_Lee. Lee, you okay? Are you okay?_

No, not really. Um...I broke my word to you.

What are you talking about?

I let you down. I wasn't there when you needed me.

Look, a close call like that? That'd mess with anybody's head. Alright? You know, it turns out I didn't need you anyway, so... Let's just be glad that we both came back alive, alright?

That's just it, Kara. I didn't want to make it back alive.

She stared at Lee in confusion. The frak? Lee wanted to die?! Kara didn't know what to say. This wasn't Lee. It couldn't be. He was always the optimist, the one to stay strong no matter what. But it had sounded like the truth. Felt like the truth. His eyes, when he was talking, were so empty and cold. Not like Lee's eyes at all. And now he wouldn't look at her, just kept staring at the bottom of the bunk overhead.

Kara felt a tiny frisson of panic flicker in her gut. No. No, no, no. This was not okay. She needed Lee to be fine. She needed him to be there in quarters with her and out on CAP, his viper just a little ahead of hers so she could keep an eye on him. She needed him to be in the ready room giving a briefing or in the rec room letting her win his last cigar at triad. The tiny frisson multiplied, exploding into a full-blown stream of panic and anger and fear. Lee needed to be alive. She needed to show him how to be alive.

Her hands reached out and shoved his hip. "Move over."

Lee looked at her in confusion as Kara swung her legs up on the bunk and crowded in next to him. "What are you doing?" He was still speaking in that curiously flat voice.

Kara sat up on her knees and deftly crossed her arms, grabbed the hem of her tanks, and pulled them over her head, dropping them to the floor. Her sports bra followed and she climbed out and stood up, her fingers shaking as she tried to work the buttons of her pants to slide them off.

A soft gasp came from the direction of the entryway and when she raised her head, a small dark blur rushed by. Shit, she forgot to shut the hatch. Kara stalked over to the heavy door, topless and uncaring who saw, and slammed it, dogging it. She didn't give a damn if all the other pilots had to bunk in the ready room tonight. Kara Thrace was on a mission.

She moved back over to the bunk, some of her steadiness returned now, and dropped her pants to the floor. Lee didn't even look up. Clad in only her regulation underwear, she climbed into the rack and straddled his hips, her knees pressing against his thighs. He was looking now, but there was nothing there other than mild curiosity. "What are you doing, Kara?" he asked again.

But when he said her name, it sounded wrong and Kara felt the fear return and with it, her resolve. She spread her hands on his chest and slid up his body, stopping when her lips were inches from his. "Giving you something to live for."

She leaned her head down and kissed him hard, her lips crushing his, her tongue sweeping across their seam seeking entry. His lips didn't part. She caught his bottom lip between her teeth, biting it gently, then sliding her tongue over it. His teeth remained a barrier. Kara growled softly in frustration, sliding her hands up his chest to cup his face. She sucked on his upper lip, darting her tongue once more into the corners of his mouth. Finally, he opened to her and she slid in, the tip of her tongue blazing a path against his…which lay like a cold dead fish in his open mouth. What the frak?

Kara Thrace knew men. Had known many men in many ways. She'd had them hard and fast frequently, slow and gentle on occasion. What she'd never had was one who didn't respond to her undivided attentions. Her mouth could be classified as a lethal weapon, she'd been told. And not for the reason assholes like Tigh would suggest.

Irritated, she sat up and looked at Lee. His eyes were open but they looked unfocused, shifty. "Kara, you don't have to do this."

She didn't give him the benefit of an answer. She simply shifted her body, sliding down his thighs a bit and swooped in again. Kara concentrated on his neck, nibbling her way across his jawline, sucking gently on his Adam's apple, tracing her tongue in patterns over his earlobes and down to his collarbone. She snuck a look at him and his eyes were closed now, which was better, but his body hadn't moved once under hers.

For a moment, Kara was flummoxed. She'd never had a mission go this bad before. Even Caprica, where they stole part of her godsdamn body away from her, was a qualified success compared to this. She didn't understand what the problem was. Lee wanted her. It wasn't arrogance that allowed her this knowledge, she simply could see it every time he looked at her, his gaze an unflinching examination lingering too long. Kara was always careful not to let her own desire reflect back at him in those moments. Loving Lee like that was too dangerous for even the fearless Starbuck.

But this…this was just sex. She could give him this without it costing too much. Besides, any price would be worth it, if it would make the light flood back into his eyes. She shifted again, and was relieved to feel him hard against her thigh. She almost grinned. Thank the Lords of Kobol for men's baser natures. This she could work with.

Kara brought her hands to the waistband of his sweats and started to work the knot in the drawstring. She'd almost got the frakking thing undone when Lee's hands encircled her wrists. She looked up at him and he was watching her now, a frown crinkling his brow. His voice was hard when he said, "Kara! Stop!" And she was glad, because it was the first emotion he'd shown since she'd walked into the bunkroom.

Not that glad though. "What's the problem, Apollo?" she hissed. "Don't tell me you don't want this."

His fingers slackened around her wrists and he leaned back on the pillow. His face emptied again. "You think I want a pity frak from you? My gods, Kara." His voice rang hollow with disappointment.

She stiffened and pulled her hands out of his loose grip. Fine, she didn't need to be told twice when she wasn't wanted. Kara had enough practice with that. She climbed out of the bunk and grabbed her bra, tugging it over her head and down her body. As she reached out for her pants, Lee rolled over to face the wall, his legs curling up and his head bowing down. Kara paused, knowing she couldn't leave him like this, broken and hurting and completely FUBAR.

She sank down on the edge of the bunk again and laid a hand on his arm. "What do you want from me then, Lee? What can I do? Because I can't stand this…Seeing you so…You can't…" Every sentence trailed off into nothingness as she fumbled for what to say. Half-truths weren't enough here, she had to lay it all on the line.

"I lied, Lee."

Kara turned away and waited, knowing he'd respond to the small measure of desperation in her voice. It was a little calculating, maybe, but not manufactured. His body uncurled and he turned back to her, his expression unreadable but focused, listening.

"I lied when I said I didn't need you anyway. I was frakking terrified walking up that hallway to the CIC." She uttered a strangled laugh. "My hands were sweating so bad I didn't even think I could get my gun out of my holster. And the whole time, all I kept doing was wishing you were there, walking beside me. Because there must have been a dozen people in that room just waiting for the chance to put a bullet in my brain if I even looked at Cain wrong, but somehow—" she sighed. "Somehow a dozen-to-two odds doesn't sound so impossible when you're on my six."

She studied the floor, unable to meet his eyes while spilling out all of this. Kara Thrace didn't share her feelings. But she did believe confession was good for the soul. His, hers, it didn't much matter. She felt the mattress move and could see Lee sitting up now behind her out of the corner of her eye.

"Pretty selfish of me, huh? Wishing you were by my side for a surefire suicide mission." Her face wore a twisted smile and she continued in a smaller voice. "Gods forgive me, I couldn't help it."

She felt a hand on her arm, and Kara turned to find Lee staring at her intently as he slid his hand up to cup her face and turn it towards him. It was an intimate gesture, moreso than anything she'd been doing to his body a few minutes earlier, and Kara wanted to pull back, to walk away. But forced to meet his eyes, she saw something familiar in his gaze that kept her still. There was a spark of Lee in there somewhere again. The thought gave her enough courage to finish.

She swallowed hard, not breaking his gaze. "I did need you. I need you every day. Don't you ever doubt that for one second, Lee Adama. And don't you dare give up."

Lee reached forward with his free arm, encircling her waist and pulling her up the bunk and onto his lap. He leaned forward, bringing his forehead to rest against hers, and slid his other hand up into her hair, bunching it tightly between his fingers. Kara didn't complain. They sat unmoving for several minutes until Lee's grip eased and he leaned his head back against the wall.

They sat there just long enough for Kara to start to feel incredibly awkward. If Lee had really snapped out of whatever strange fugue state he'd been in earlier, he'd want to talk about what she'd tried to do. Kara couldn't talk about it. In fact, she couldn't quite believe she'd thought it might be a good idea to try to frak him out of oblivion. It usually worked the other way. Then again, Kara hadn't exactly been thinking it through. As usual, she'd let her instincts guide her. It was pure panic that had caused her to...well, ravish him like that. Right? Of course. Kara never ignored her instincts. And now they were telling her she'd better get off his lap RFN. She started to shift away but Lee slid both arms down, locking them around her waist and pulling her back against his chest. She was about to protest when he spoke.

"So," his voice was quiet, but steady and normal again, thank gods, "was that an order you just gave me, Captain Thrace?"

She smirked, relieved that, at least for the moment, this was how he was choosing to play it. "Why yes, Captain Adama, I do believe it was."

Lee nodded solemnly, "Right. But see Kara, we're not on the Pegasus now. So technically," she felt Lee's hands start to slide gently up and down her side, "you're not my CAG anymore." She sucked in a breath as his fingers skimmed over the side of her sports bra, the tips barely brushing against her breast. "And I'm not your CAG."

She exhaled shakily as he dragged one palm across her bare stomach, and inwardly cursed herself for the weakness. "True. What's your point, Captain?"

He leveled those blue eyes at her and cocked a brow. "If you can't order me to not give up, how do you know I won't? I might forget or lose focus." His fingers tapped a drumbeat on the taut skin of her abdomen and Kara forgot to breathe. Lee leaned his head closer to hers and licked his lips. "Maybe you should try your first tactic again?" he said, his voice pitched low enough to send a little rumble through her stomach to keep time with his tapping. "I think I might find it more persuasive this time around."

Kara shivered. For the second time tonight, she felt something hard against her thigh, but this time she was more scared than pleased. It had been okay before when Lee wasn't quite with her, necessary even. But now that things were a little calmer, Kara could see this was just another plan of hers that had "bad idea" written all over it. Before she could do anything stupid, she slithered out of his arms and off the bunk.

"Sorry, that was a limited time only offer." Kara tossed the words off lightly as she reached down and grabbed her tanks off the floor. She decided not to look at Lee, afraid to see what emotions might be written across his face now. She steered the conversation to safer ground. "Besides, now that we're back on Galactica, the Old Man's not going to waste any time making you the CAG again." She tugged the tanks down over her body and pulled on her pants. No longer so exposed, she dared a glance at Lee and smirked. "Wait and see how nostalgic you get for the Beast then, Lee. You are gonna long for the days when I wasn't your problem."

Lee shook his head, but smiled ruefully, swinging his legs up onto the bunk and stretching out. "Kara, there's not a day since I met you that you haven't been my problem." With that parting shot, he slid the curtain on his bunk closed.

Kara grinned and shoved her feet into her boots. She figured just this once she could let him have the last word.

Opening the hatch and striding out into the hallways of Galactica, Kara felt her body relax the way it hadn't been able to in weeks. She inhaled the familiar smells of rust and grease, running her hand along the pitted metal bulkheads as she walked.

Yeah, it was good to be home.

--fin--


End file.
